


Patching It Up

by squishywolff



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz (Two River Cast) RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Gen, M/M, Mentions of self-harm, Self-Harm, Some Fluff, Some suicidal thoughts, pins and patches, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-24 11:18:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15629619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squishywolff/pseuds/squishywolff
Summary: Struggles with depression are hard to overcome





	Patching It Up

**_Emptiness. Horrible emptiness. No stop, you can’t feel like that. No one will like you. No one will care. Everyone will leave. Like they always do. No one will-_ **

 

“Jake?” Michael interrupted, waving a hand in front of his face. “You alright bud?”

The taller snapped out of his thoughts, “Y-yeah, yeah I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.” Michael looked doubtful but gave him a small hesitant smile and turned back to his slushie.

 

**_Noise. Too much noise. Can’t think. Need to go somewhere else. Somewhere quiet. No one wants to see you cry._ **

 

Jake shakily stood up and bolted to the bathroom, closing himself in the furthest stall and curling his legs into his chest. It was silent. Very silent. No one else was in here. It just reminded him of how alone he was. He barely registered the tears falling down his face as he stared at the dirty tiles. At least no one can see him in this state...right? He sobbed quietly as the emptiness inside ate away at him.

 

**_It hurts, it hurts so much._ **

 

“Jake? Are you in here?” A concerned voice called out as someone stepped into the bathroom. Jake clamped a hand over his mouth to muffle his sobs but still managed to let out a choked whimper. The footsteps paused at the sound and continued, a pair of white platform sneakers appearing outside the stall. There it was, a small knock on the door before it slowly opened, fuck- he must have forgotten to lock it in his haste. A worried Michael peeked into the dark stall, his face creasing in concern when he saw the state Jake was in. “I came to check on you, what’s wrong?” He asked gently, stepping into the cramped space and locking the door behind him. “N-nothing. I’m f-fine.” Jake mumbled, avoiding eye contact and looking away. “No, no you’re not.” Michael sighed, settling down on the floor opposite the taller. “You don’t have to tell me anything but I’ll be here if you need me alright?”

 

Jake said nothing. He couldn’t say anything. The darkness concealed inside consumed his very being and he started hyperventilating, his breath hitching as the tears fell from his face and he clawed at his head and neck. He barely registered a pair of warm hands holding his arms and the white headphones that were slid onto his ears as soft music played from it. He stopped and looked up at Michael with watery blue eyes, his shoulders shaking. The tanned boy hesitantly took the other’s hands in his own and held them for warmth, nodding at him to continue breathing as he removed his phone from his hoodie pocket to not let the wires tangle as much. Jake inhaled shakily and inched closer to Michael before slowly removing the headphones, hanging them around his neck.

 

“Do you want me to take you home?” Michael asked softly, rubbing at Jake’s hands. The taller nodded, and then shook his head. “C-can I come to your house instead? T-there’s no one a-at h-home. It’s okay if it’s t-too much trouble- I un-understand...” he trailed off, wiping his face on his shoulder. Michael gave him a small smile, “Yeah sure, I’ll go get permission from the nurse and grab your backpack for you, alright? Be back soon, I promise.” He stood up and wiped the remaining tears off Jake’s cheeks before sprinting out of the bathroom, his footsteps thundering down the hallway.

 

_And he was alone again. Hope Michael won’t be long. Hope Michael would come back. He slowly ran his fingers across the cord of the headphones still hanging around his neck._

 

And Michael did come back, swinging a backpack on either shoulder, a bright fluorescent yellow one and another with a hastily written “Riends” scrawled in sharpie by none other than Richard Goranski. At this point it was an inside joke for the entire squad _._ Michael slowly cracked open the door and peeked in, stepping in and extending his hand out to the boy sitting on the floor. “You ready to leave?” Jake nodded and wiped his eyes again for good measure before taking the other’s hand and pulling himself up but not letting go, somehow fearing that he would get left behind. Luckily for him Michael had absolutely no problem holding Jake’s hand as he patted it and smiled, leading him to the worn out PT cruiser where the taller returned the headphones and phone to Michael. “You alright there?” He asked, pulling at his safety belt as he watched Jake slump onto the passenger seat. “Y-yeah... what did the others s-say?” Michael shrugged, starting up the engine. “They were worried but I told them that you were unwell and I was bringing you home. Is that okay?” Jake nodded slowly, sliding into the seat and closing his eyes slightly. Michael was about to ask Jake to pick a radio station but judging from his appearance he decided to just switch to a random one, with Carly Rae Jepsen’s ‘Call Me Maybe’ starting to blare out from the speakers. Jake looked over and gave Michael a small smile, “This is my song.” He whispered, the dullness in his eyes fading slightly. The tanned boy flashed him a bright grin, turning the volume up a notch and carefully backing out of the school parking lot.

 

The drive back to Michael’s was mostly in a comfortable silence, with only the music playing softly in the background. Michael turned into his driveway and parked the car, insisting on carrying both of their backpacks into the house in which Jake reluctantly agreed, following closely behind as he waited for him to unlock the door. Michael threw his keys onto the counter and neatly placed both backpacks on the floor near the couch. “Do you wanna watch a movie or something?” He offered, running his fingers through his dark hair. Jake looked around, feeling bad for intruding on Michael, he really didn’t owe him anything. “Oh, uhm- okay.” He decided, the dark thoughts slowly seeping back into him as he sat on the floor leaning against the couch. “What do you wanna watch?” Michael asked, kneeling and sifting through the stack of DVDs under the TV console. “Anything is fine.” Jake mumbled, bringing his legs to his chest, “You can pick.” They ended up settling for The Lion King, an old Disney classic. After a few moments of silence at the opening sequence Michael stood up and walked away, leaving behind a very panicked Jake, but he returned a few moments later with a blanket, draping it tightly over Jake’s shoulders as he smiled and sat down beside him once again.

 

“Michael I don’t understand why you’re being so nice to me.” Jake muttered vaguely, pulling at the blanket, “It’s not as if I treated you very nicely in the past...” Michael furrowed his brows and looked back at the taller incredulously. “Because you’re my friend?” He replied nonchalantly, “And you know, friends help each other?” He said it so matter-of-factly that it rendered Jake speechless and he turned back to the screen, trying to focus on not breaking down instead. After sitting in silence for a while he couldn’t handle it anymore. “I’m going to the bathroom.” He informed Michael, who just nodded and pointed the directions out to him. When a few minutes had passed and Jake still hasn’t returned the Filipino grew a little concerned but he decided to give the boy some alone time, until he heard a loud crash from the kitchen.

 

Michael jolted up and ran, his shoes skidding on the floor in panic. All he saw was the broken glass and the even more broken boy who slumped to the floor, breathing heavily as tears dripped from his face. Michael hurriedly grabbed a broom, sweeping the broken glass to a corner to prevent Jake from hurting himself and knelt at his side only to see his bruised and bloodied knuckles pierced with small shards of glass and the crimson liquid slowly dripping from a cut on his wrist. “Jake- fuck,” he gasped, immediately getting up for the first aid kit and a damp towel, pressing it onto his hand. “Can you still move your wrist? Do you think anything is broken?” Jake slowly moved his hand and more blood dripped to the floor, “N-no, it’s not b-broken, I-I’m-“ he hiccuped, his face streaked with tears. “Hey shhh, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it, I’ll fix it, yeah? It’s okay.” Michael whispered softly, applying pressure to the taller’s wrist to stop the bleeding and carefully picking out the shards with a pair of tweezers. Meanwhile Jake was biting on his lip to stop the incoming cascade of tears, his shoulders shaking as he watched Michael meticulously remove the glass pieces. When he was done he wrapped his hand in the towel and moved in front of Jake, “I’ll be here alright? I won’t go anywhere. I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Jake looked back up at the dark-haired boy and broke, his body wracked with sobs as he buried his face into his uninjured hand. Michael moved closer and wrapped his arms around the other boy, pulling him into his chest as he clung on tightly to his hoodie. Jake was sobbing like a child, gripping onto the red fabric like his life depended on it, “M-Michael it h-hurts, i-it h-h-hurts h-here.” He whimpered, gesturing to his chest and curling tighter into the hoodie. “Shhh, I know Jake, I know. It’ll be okay. You’ll be okay.”

 

“H-how would y-you kn-know t-t-that...?” Jake shot back hoarsely, burying his face into Michael’s chest. The tanned boy took a deep breath and pulled up one of his sleeves, revealing rows of jagged, raised scars that were a tad shade lighter than his skin tone, though they had already healed.

 

“Because I’ve been through it. And if I can overcome it I know you can too, I know that you’re stronger than me, and I believe in you.” Jake hesitantly ran his fingers over Michael’s arm, slightly dumbfounded, “How...? W-why?” He stammered, “I guess I’ve never really liked my body all that much? Sometimes it seems that there’s just too many stretch marks here or too much chub there. I may be comfortable with my social status but it doesn’t mean I feel the same about my body. Just because I don’t mind being a loser doesn’t mean I like feeling like one, y’know? When Jeremy left me behind it seemed that even he didn’t want me anymore, that someone you’ve known for twelve years could just throw you away as simple as that, and it hurt.” Michael paused and sighed, “I know he didn’t mean it but at that point in time I felt helpless, before his dad came to talk to me I even considered just offing myself, because no one cared anymore, no one would care if I was gone, not my parents, not Jeremy, or at least I was certain that Jeremy wouldn’t. So I just kept doing it, again and again. It helped to ease some of the pain I felt inside, but the guilt still remained and in the end it was like a never ending cycle of emotions.” Michael looked back at Jake and used the back of his hand to wipe away some of the other boy’s tears. “After the Squip got deactivated I wasn’t expecting anything to go back to normal, but we talked things out, and it all worked out in the end. Also I got a few new close friends over this, like you and Rich and Brooke and the rest of the squad. It made it worth it, and you know Jake? I’m glad you’re still here.” He finished, running his fingers through Jake’s dirty blond hair. Jake sniffled and nuzzled closer to Michael, more or less calmed down save for a few occasional tears.

 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Michael asked gently, “What was the trigger?”, Jake inhaled shakily, “I t-think it was t-the mirror, all I could see was s-someone useless. The p-pressure of being the b-best all the time got to m-me. Even if I w-was the best it’s like n-no one really cared an-anyway.” He pressed his face into Michael, “I don’t know-I n-never really had issues with s-self image but today I saw-I saw for the first time, the person in the m-mirror. He looked pretty p-pathetic. So I left- I left to get a glass of water, a-and the reflection on it m-mocked me, so I smashed it, I smashed it w-with my f-fist.” He stopped and looked at the bloodied towel wrapped around his hand. “And then I j-just took the largest broken piece and s-slit it over my s-skin. I don’t know- I don’t know why I d-did it…I’m sorry I b-broke your g-glass…” He trailed off.

 

Michael continued stroking Jake’s hair, “The glass doesn’t matter, but try not to hurt yourself again alright? Can you promise me that?” Jake gave a weak nod and rubbed his face in the red fabric, already wet from his tears. “I can run a shower for you if you want? You can borrow some of my clothes and maybe it’ll help you feel better?” The tanned boy offered, using his sleeve to dry Jake’s face. “Mmmh,” the taller mumbled vaguely as he rubbed at his puffy eyes, red from crying. “I’m taking that as a yes, come on.” Michael got up and pulled Jake along with him, unwrapping the towel from his hand and gently holding them as he led him to the bathroom and turned on the shower.

 

“Will you be fine on your own while I go search for some clothes? Just holler if you need anything alright? I’ll be right back.” Michael gave Jake a small smile before closing the door, proceeding to rummage through his closet for any relevant articles of clothing before pulling out an oversized grey sweatshirt with a Pac-Man on it and a pair of game console-print boxer shorts, knocking on the bathroom door and sliding the clothes in. A short while later Jake walked out of the bathroom, his wet hair sticking up in soft spikes and the sweatshirt hanging limply off one shoulder. “Michael Mell what’s up with your dressing sense, this shirt is clearly way too big for you and not to mention all these nerd prints only someone like you can possibly have.” Jake snorted, gesturing at the yellow print on his chest. Michael gave an exaggerated gasp, “You come into my house and disrespect my lord and saviour Pac-Man, AND judge me for my clothes? Baggy shirts are good shit!” He huffed, folding his arms.

 

The taller grinned before accidentally jerking his arm and wincing slightly, “It’s starting to sting,” he mumbled, inspecting the various cuts and scrapes on his knuckles and wrist. Michael’s expression immediately creased in concern, gently holding up Jake’s hand, “We’d better disinfect it before it gets worse. Wait here, I’ll get the first aid kit.” He muttered vaguely, sprinting off into the kitchen where he’d left the box earlier and signalling for Jake to sit down on the couch. “This may hurt a little, bear with it okay?” He said while shaking the aerosol can and spraying the disinfectant onto a piece of cotton. Michael carefully took Jake’s hand and pressed the ball of cotton onto his skin, causing the taller to flinch in pain and attempt to jerk his hand away, biting on his lip. The tanned boy let out a small exhale, chewing on the inside of his cheek in concentration as he gently cleaned up the cuts and wrapped Jake’s hand in clean bandages. “You seem to be rather experienced in this.” He said in a low tone. The other boy gave a slightly sarcastic grin, “Oh well, had to learn how to fix myself up right? Guess it paid off.” He replied, fastening the ends of the bandage and putting away the first aid kit.

 

“Do you wanna continue the movie?” Michael asked, swinging his legs idly. “Yeah, yeah sure.” Jake started, curling up at the edge of the couch as he watched the other boy rewind the tape.

 

“Michael?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Don’t mention it, it’s no problem at all.”

 

Not even halfway into the movie Jake started nodding off, resting his head on the armrest. Michael gently propped a pillow beneath him and pulled the blanket over his sleeping frame, turning down the volume and flicking the lights shut.

 

“Sleep well, Jakey D.”

 

* * *

 

 

The taller boy moved slightly on the couch, groaning at the light filtering into his face and rubbing at his eyes, almost falling off when he felt a sharp pain in his hand and the bandage that was wrapped around it. Oh, right. That happened. Where was he again? Michael’s house. Right. Speaking of Michael, the boy was curled up on the floor with his hood up, his head resting on his arms at the edge of the couch. Jake did a double take, was Michael asleep like this for the entire night? Shit, he felt guilt pooling in him. It’s his fault Michael had to sleep in this position. Still he pulled the blanket off of himself and draped it over the sleeping boy instead, bringing his knees to his chest.

 

The other boy stirred and shifted his body slightly, his eyes screwing shut at the brightness as he pushed himself off the couch and stretched, a series of small popping sounds emanating from his back and shoulders. Jake stared at Michael, dumbfounded, who just put his glasses on and smiled at him like nothing was wrong. “Morning, oh and don't worry about that, my back does that all the time.” the tanned boy greeted, climbing up from the floor and heading to the bathroom.

 

Apparently sleeping didn’t do much to help the sinking feeling inside him, Jake thought miserably, curling up at the edge of the couch. He really should be over this by now but for some reason,

 

_He can’t._

 

**_What’s wrong with you? Stop it. You’re intruding on Michael. He had to sleep on the floor because of you. He probably doesn’t even want you here. Admit it, Jake. You know it’s true._ **

 

“It’s true.” Jake mumbled to himself, tears threatening to spill over again but he held it in this time, after a while he just got used to it.

 

**_No one wants to see you cry._ **

 

“N-no one. No one d-deserves that.” He stuttered, his fingers pulling at the grey sweatshirt around himself.

 

**_Really Jake, you’re so pathetic._ **

 

“Pathetic, p-pathetic.” Jake repeated, tears now falling down his face. “I’m s-so f-f-fucking  ** _pathetic_**.”

 

Michael pushed open the bathroom door only to see the other boy gripping tightly onto his arms as the glistening droplets poured down his face. “Oh no, Jake. Jake look at me. You’re alright, okay? You’re alright. It’s okay.” He knelt down beside the shaking boy and tried to offer some reassurance but Jake only pushed him away.  ** _“Pathetic, p-pathetic loser.”_** He stammered, not knowing that Michael was beside him, his pupils unfocused. The tanned boy felt something break inside him and he inhaled shakily, tears welling up in his eyes as he burst out the back door into his yard.

 

_Loser, Jake called you a loser. That’s what you are. That’s what you always are and always will be._

 

He flicked open his lighter and lit a joint, his hands shaking as he brought it to his lips and inhaled, barely managing to blow the smoke out.

 

He needed to calm down. He should be over it by now. It’s just a shitty word. Why was he so affected by it? Jeremy didn’t really mean to, did Jake mean to?

 

He didn’t know. He didn’t  _want_  to know.

 

Michael glanced back at the joint, the lit end was glinting back at him. It was mocking him. The same way that the penknife did. It was tempting, so tempting. He closed his eyes, feeling the weed clouding his judgement and pulled up his sleeve, pressing the joint into his scarred skin as the tears rolled down his face.

 

**_Michael that’s enough, you can’t even take a small insult. What are you? A loser?_ **

 

“Shut it, leave me be.” Michael mumbled quietly to himself, clenching his jaw at the searing pain in his fleshand jerking the cigarette away, a now burnt, reddened wound in his skin.

 

**_At least some of the pain inside is gone._ **

 

He relit the joint and dragged it across his arm, leaving a trail of burns and ashes before flicking the now extinguished blunt to the ground, his tears flowing freely at the agonising pain.

 

**_I can’t take it anymore. I can’t._ **

 

**_Make it stop._ **

 

_Get a hold of yourself, maybe he didn’t mean it. Go back in._

 

Go back in.

 

Michael took a deep breath, not even bothering to wipe the tears from his face as he pushed open the back door and slumped against the wall, slamming it shut. His shoulders shook as he let out a small whimper, the burns biting and tearing at him as he tried to run his shaking arm under cold water. Maybe it’ll help it heal faster so others won’t notice, so Jake won’t notice. He couldn’t even bother with a bandage this time though, collapsing to the floor in sobs. Michael knew he only came back in here to check on Jake but his body couldn’t take it.

 

His mind couldn’t take it.

 

**_He_**  couldn’t take it.

 

The tanned boy sat on the tiled kitchen floor and cried, rubbing at his eyes furiously to try and get rid of the tears but only managing to smudge his glasses, leaving behind fingerprints and tear tracks. He yanked them off and threw them on the counter in frustration as he pulled at his dark hair.

 

Meanwhile Jake had calmed down a significant amount, exhausted from all the crying. He really had no idea what he had done when he heard faint sobbing from the kitchen. “Michael?” he whispered, carefully peeking into the room.

 

“Leave me alone, Jake.” Michael shot back hoarsely, burying his face into one of his sleeves. Jake bit his lip and contemplated whether to walk away until his eyes lingered on Michael’s rolled up sleeve which was dripping with water, the skin around it glowing red. “I’m- are you okay?” The taller asked before sitting opposite of the other boy, leaving some space in between them just in case.

 

“Jake, I said I’m fine.” Michael hissed, his grip tightening on his sleeve. The desperate look in his watery chocolate brown eyes were clearly a signal that he was calling for help even though he denied it. His voice started breaking slightly, “I’m hoping you didn’t mean it.” He said in barely a whisper, more tears forming in his eyes.

 

“Didn’t mean what?” Jake asked, confused. Was the other boy talking about the fact that he was intruding in his house? Or the bad memories of yesterday?

 

Michael’s lips quivered, “Don’t act like you didn’t know it when you called me a-“ He paused, “a  _l-loser_.” He stopped to swipe at his eyes with his sleeve violently. “Like I know it’s n-not that b-big of a d-deal b-but, that word hurts. It h-hurts a lot. It was what Jeremy called me w-when he- when-“ he rambled, his breathing getting faster and more rushed.

 

Suddenly everything clicked inside Jake’s head. Shit-

 

“Michael no, no I’d never call you that.” Jake interrupted, cutting the other boy off. “I was- I was telling myself those things. That I was pathetic and  _that_ \- I didn’t even know you were there. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I don’t know if you believe me, I don’t know if you can forgive me. It’s okay if you don’t, Michael I’m so sorry.” He pleaded, almost close to tears again.

 

Michael stopped short, a look of disbelief on his face as he processed Jake’s words, “I’m an idiot,” he finally got out, the regret and guilt starting to pour inside him. He’d literally hurt himself over nothing, he’s such a hypocrite. “I’m a fucking idiot-“ he repeated, the tears starting to pour down his face at a steady pace as he let out a small whimper, holding his burnt arm to his chest.

 

“No, don’t say that, you’re not an idiot. What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” Jake asked softly, running his fingers over the tanned boy’s hand. Michael curled further into himself and nodded weakly, hesitantly holding out his injured arm. The taller bit his lip as he inspected the trail of burns crawling up Michael’s forearm, glistening red with blood and water among the jagged scars. The Pac-Man tattoo was slightly faded from the old cuts lining his skin. Jake fetched a damp towel and some bandages, starting to clean up the wounds, being careful not to hurt the other boy further though Michael barely made a sound. “I’m not sure if I can wrap it properly but I’ll try, okay? Sorry if it’s messy.” He mumbled, hastily fastening the end of the bandage with his handicapped hand.

 

Michael sniffled quietly, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand. The emotional pain hurt more than the physical pain, he was already used to inflicting injuries on himself, this time wasn’t much different even though it stung more than usual. Now he was just tired and yearning for cuddles. Without thinking he moved closer to Jake and leant into his chest, trying not to burst into tears again. Jake gathered Michael into his arms and held him tightly, just two silent, broken boys curled up on the kitchen floor. The tanned boy gripped at the taller’s shirt feebly, blinking away tears as he buried his face in the grey fabric. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, “I should have gotten things straight f-first instead of jumping t-to conclusions a-and you had to deal with m-me. I’m so s-sorry I’m-“ Michael choked out, starting to cough from his tears instead.

 

Jake started to rub Michael’s back, comforting him like a child, and he fell silent, leaning his whole body into the taller boy. “It doesn’t matter just- just get some rest okay?” Jake whispered softly, resting his head lightly on top of Michael’s dark brown curls. Soon Michael started nodding off slightly, still nuzzled into Jake. The taller shifted himself and lifted the other boy up, carrying him to his bed before settling down beside him.

 

Unknowingly, Jake pressed a small kiss to Michael’s forehead before closing his own eyes. It just felt natural to him in that moment.

 

He didn’t notice the raging blush that flashed on the tanned boy’s face.

 

* * *

 

 

Michael bit his lip as he watched Jake’s kart dart across the screen, narrowly avoiding falling off the track of Rainbow Road. “Why did you do that?” He finally got out, halfheartedly speeding along the circuit.

 

“What?” The other boy replied, shooting a green shell at the CPU player in front of him and missing completely, his brows furrowed in concentration.

 

“You know... that-“ Michael huffed, “Why did you-Why did you kiss me? Before we fell asleep.”

 

Jake had a confused look on his face. “Did I? Must have felt natural I guess, actually I don’t really know either, don’t really remember. Is there something wrong with that?”

 

Michael’s avatar dropped into second place followed by third place, “That’s so typical for people of your social standing.” He mumbled, his voice dripping with sarcasm as he pressed on the accelerator.

 

Jake paused the game, “What’s that supposed to mean? Did you not want me to do that? Because if so then I’m just gonna apologise right here and-“ The tanned boy cut him off by slamming his controller to the ground in frustration. “It’s just- people like you and Brooke and Chloe, heck maybe even Rich. You guys already get so much action with dating and what not that even a kiss is no big deal to you, and you’re just gonna brush it off like it’s nothing. Did it not mean anything to you? Or are you just trying to toy with my emotions?” Michael stopped and took a deep breath, “You know what? Forget it. Forget I said anything. Sorry for lashing out.”

 

“Seriously Michael if it bothered you so much then I’m sorry, okay? You know full well I’m not trying to ‘toy with anyone’s emotions’, that literally doesn’t make sense. Would you have preferred it if a girl kissed you instead?” Jake shot back, annoyed, he really didn’t understand what the fuss was about. It was just a kiss after all. It didn’t mean anything...right?

 

“Jake Dillinger, I’m gay.” Michael hissed, gesturing to the rainbow patch on his left arm and feeling rather hurt. “Are you telling me you never noticed it? We’ve been friends for a while and you didn’t notice it?” Jake was taken aback, sure he could be painfully oblivious at times but he really had no clue, not like he had an issue with it, but still, he was speechless. “Forget it. It’s not as if no one else ever kissed me anyway.” Michael mumbled quietly, barely audible.

 

“Excuse me, what? Are you saying that was your ‘first kiss’? Have you never gotten kissed before?” Jake burst out, hurriedly shutting his mouth when he saw the other boy’s expression. Michael gave him a sarcastic grin, “Not everyone is like you, Dillinger. My parents never really bothered about me anyway, or rather they didn’t care, flying on business trips all the time to god knows where and who knows when they’ll come back. I suppose no one else cares much either, gotta learn to depend on yourself. Relationships should probably be the least of my worries because who would want someone like me anyway?” He sighed and picked up his controller again, “Let’s just continue the game and forget about it.”

 

Jake was still unable to get any words out as he numbly unpaused the game and watched all the other racers speed past him. Come to think of it why did he kiss Michael in the first place? He wasn’t gay was he? He still likes girls, he still potentially likes everyone.

 

_Then why did he do it? Sure, he likes Michael but-_

 

_He likes Michael._

 

From his peripheral vision he could see Michael focusing on the screen to catch up to first place again, his glasses perched carefully on the bridge of his nose but seemingly sliding down slowly only for the other boy to push it back up, and the small tip of his tongue that stuck out in concentration. It was actually rather-

 

“Cute.” Jake blurted out on accident, not realising he had been staring the entire time.

 

Michael’s kart swerved and went barreling off the multicolored track.

 

 

“What the fuck-“ the tanned boy screeched, the game over screen flashing on the console. “Were you just staring at me the whole time? Were you talki-referring about me? What the fuck Jake, that was really uncalled for.” He rambled, tugging at his already messy hair.

 

“Fuck, I said it out loud, but it’s the truth.” Jake defended desperately, a faint blush forming on his cheeks, “You are cute.” The other boy shook his head in disbelief, starting to tremble slightly as he muttered soft “no”s under his breath, taking off his glasses and violently rubbing at his eyes. “Shit, are you okay?” The taller whispered as he saw faint hints of tears appearing at the edge of Michael’s brown irises.

 

“I-I need some time alone.” Michael croaked, stumbling over his feet to the bathroom. Jake worriedly pressed his ear against the door, only hearing the sounds of heavy breathing and the running of water, followed by silence.

 

And yet more silence.

 

“Michael I know this probably isn’t the right time but I uhm- I like you, as in I like-like you. Yesterday when you, when you helped me. It was a side of you that I’ve never seen before, I’ve always just admired from a safe distance because I wasn’t sure about the rules of the social ladder and when we became friends it was like fate. I don’t really know if I’m gay because I still like girls but I’m sure as hell not straight.”

 

No response.

 

“Michael please, you don’t have to accept my confession I just want you to be safe, and I don’t know if you are in there. Please come out.”

 

He heard shuffling and someone sitting at the opposite side of the door. “I don’t know why you’re telling me this, it’s not like we can be together anyway. As you said, rules of the social ladder. You’re the most popular guy in school and I’m just... I’m just me. You’ll get made fun of and I can’t let that happen. Forget about it Jake.” Michael mumbled, his voice slightly muffled.

 

“Why does that matter? Why would it matter who I choose to date? At this point I don’t care about being popular anymore, it’s too much work and I don’t think I can take it much longer. Always the pressure of being the best at everything. Always. I hate it.” Jake was close to tears, “Why am I even saying all this? You probably don’t even like me in that sense anyway.”

 

“I DO! THAT’S THE FUCKING POINT, JAKE! That’s the fucking point why I can’t be seen around you. It’ll be a disgrace, because I’m just a nerd and a- a loser, not like you. It’ll never work out. Let’s just save the pain of it all and move on.” Michael spat, moving away from the door.

 

The taller boy was speechless at his outburst, his heart beating wildly. Michael liked him back. That could have just saved the trouble of everything but instead the tanned boy refuses to believe anything he says, and now the distance between them has grown further apart. Suddenly he heard singing, very faint singing, but definitely singing.

 

_“High dive into frozen waves_

_Where the past comes back to life_

_Fight fear for the selfish pain_

_It was worth it every time_

_Hold still right before we crash_

_'Cause we both know how this ends_

_Our clock ticks till it breaks your glass_

_And I drown in you again”_

 

Jake’s heart skipped a beat.

 

_“'Cause you are the piece of me_

_I wish I didn't need_

_Chasing relentlessly_

_Still fight and I don't know why”_

 

The voice stopped and let out a shaky breath, seemingly holding back tears.

 

_“If our love is tragedy why are you my remedy?_

_If our love's insanity why are you my clarity?”_

 

Michael sniffled, rubbing at his tear-streaked face.

 

_“Why are you my clarity?”_ He choked, curling up into himself and burying his face into his hoodie sleeves.

 

Jake slumped against the door, breathing heavily as tears threatened to roll down his face.  


 

* * *

 

 

_‘The door, maybe the door is unlocked’_ the taller thought, his fingers feebly gripping the doorknob and slowly twisting it.

 

It opened.

 

The Filipino sat cross legged on the floor, holding a piece of metal that gleamed in the fluorescent lighting before screwing his eyes shut and throwing it to the far end of the bathroom, unable to bring himself to do it again. The razor narrowly landed by Jake’s feet, “Michael?” He whispered, shutting the door behind him. Michael’s head jerked up at the sound of his voice, a slightly panicked look in his eyes that were clouded with unfallen tears. “No, no please, leave me alone.” He begged.

 

_Please don’t leave me._

 

Jake bit his lip and knelt in front of Michael, wrapping his arms around the other boy’s neck. The tanned boy let out a sob, clinging onto the grey sweatshirt as his shoulders shook. “Please don’t leave me, I’m so sorry.” he whimpered, burying his face into Jake’s chest.

 

“Not going anywhere, staying right here.” Jake mumbled, pulling Michael into his lap and rubbing his back.

 

“...Jake?”

 

“Yeah? What is it?”

 

“I just want someone to hold me, to tell me that everything is going to be okay even if it’s not. Is that too selfish to ask for?

 

...

 

I just want someone to love me.”

 

“Are you willing to let me be that someone?” Jake asked gently, leaning his head on top of Michael’s.

 

“Promise you won’t leave me?” the tanned boy whispered, curling into the taller’s lap.

 

“I promise.” Jake pressed a small kiss to the top of Michael’s head. “Love you, sweetheart.”

 

 

“I love you too.”

 


End file.
